On Getting Back Your Body

The post-partum period is weird. So weird, in fact, that some people refer to it as your fourth trimester. The first 3 months of a baby's life are filled with non-stop feeding...for me, that meant non-stop nursing. Plus, sleep deprivation. Plus, adjusting to a new lifestyle. Plus, hormone changes that make no sense. Plus, a new body that isn't pregnant, but isn't yet back to its normal self. It's just kind of a roller coaster.

That said, I think I handled it well. It helped that Charlie was born early in the Springtime. In fact, when we left for the hospital, none of the trees on our street were in bloom. A few days later when we returned, all of the cherry blossoms were bursting. It was amazing. Having a good baby + having great weather meant that I could walk outside, get to coffee shops, sit outside, and do other things that made me feel like a normal person. Plus, I had friends who helped me get out of the house for an hour here or there to meet at the coffee shop or grab a quick drink. Or they just showed up to keep us company and hold the baby. Also, props to my husband for not being terrified of handling a newborn on his own. Also, props to my breast pump for getting milk out for the baby. Also, props to my baby for being willing to take a bottle and the boob. All of these things made it possible for me to feel as normal as possible during that transition.

ANYWAY. I am officially 3 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. In truth, I thought I would lose the weight much faster. I was in good shape when I got pregnant, and I started exercising just a few weeks after having the baby. It felt good and I felt good. But the weight held on for quite a while. In that time, I've realized a few things about my body:

1. I looked way better than I thought I did before I had a baby. Too bad I didn't enjoy it then.
2. I feel way better about my body now than I did before I had a baby. It's weird. I think I might just be growing up. But I really appreciate that I can walk and run and hike and see and smell. I am really impressed that I carried a baby for 10 months, birthed him, and then walked away 2 days later like nothing ever happened. I'm proud of this old bod.
3. America is ridiculous. I believe that in many ways, but I'm referring to the pressure our culture puts on women to look and dress a certain way.
4. Nashville is getting more image-conscious and I am getting less image-conscious. This feels good. A little subversive, but mostly it just feels natural. I'm at a coffee shop and all of the girls here look really good. Truly, they do. I am wearing Birkenstocks and shorts that are two sizes too big and a white t-shirt that probs has some breastmilk or puke on it. I do not feel self-conscious about this decision. A year ago I would have.

Although I'm doing well in the realm of body acceptance, I don't truly have my body back yet. Meaning, I'm breastfeeding, so my baby depends on my body and has access to my body 24/7. This is a hard and mysterious miracle to me. On one hand, I'm tired of feeding the baby. I'm also tired of being hooked up to a breast pump for 2 hours a day. On the other hand, I'm so amazed that this whole thing is designed in a way that I can literally grow, birth, and feed a baby--all on my own. He could actually be created from and survive off of my body for years. 10 months in utero and at least 2 years on the outside. In terms of sustenance, if Charlie only had access to me for his first 2 years of life, he would be healthy and thriving. In terms of emotional development, it's clear that he feels more comfortable with Daniel when he tries new things. This is interesting to me, and also awesome and beautiful.

On Having a 5-Month Old

OH my gosh. So, I have a baby. I was induced on 8 a.m., on March 24, and at 2:24 p.m., on March 25, little Banjo became Charles Alan Howard, the most beautiful baby in the world. Or in our world, at least.

Charlie. What a guy. He's generally a pretty good baby. So far, here is what I know about Charlie:

• Cow's milk makes him puke a lot.
• He'd rather be on the go than at home.
• He doesn't want to go to sleep if there's something better he could be doing--and there's always something better to be doing.
• He likes standing and sitting on his own. He's cuddly and sweet in my arms, but he seems to feel proud and excited when he's in a Bumbo seat, jumper, or walker. 
• Charlie wants to be outside. Like, all the time. 
• Even though Charlie hates to sleep, he's not very pleasant to be around if he hasn't slept. 
• He looks SO MUCH like Daniel. 
• He has blue eyes, which is not surprising, because my prophet brain dreamed it.
• He smiles a lot, especially when I sing Baby Charlie, Charlie Bear songs to him.

In Charlie's first 5 months on this green earth, he has experienced the following things:

• Visits to Atlanta, Columbiana, and Asheville.
• Hiking at Beaman Park.
• One million walks on the greenway.
• Lots of animals at the Nashville Zoo.
• Camping and hiking at Fall Creek Falls.
• Swimming at the YMCA pool.
• At least 1 art museum. 
• Many church services.

I don't really know how to explain what it's like to be a mother to my son. I can only say that on Friday night, I was home alone cleaning and watching a really bad Rom Com. Charlie went to bed around 7, per usual. Around 9, I found myself wandering into his room to watch him sleep. And then instinctively, I picked him up and held him and words just started pouring out of my mouth. "You are the very best thing. I didn't even know that I wanted you, and you're here, and now I know that I never really wanted anything else. I never say this, Charlie, hardly ever, but you are a gift from God. And I promise that I'll do my best to help you be kind, compassionate, and happy. Sometimes you'll probably hate me because I'm so inappropriate, and I know I'm going to swear at you someday. But you are always the very best thing."

And then all of a sudden I was like, "How did I get here? How is this even happening?" So I put him down and returned to my evening of cleaning. But, yeah, that about sums up life with a 5-month old. It is the very best thing.

Sh*t People Say to Pregnant Women: The Latest

Sadly, once again, almost all of these take place at one of the places where I work.

"Don't count on ever losing the baby weight. You should just manage your expectations now. That belly is probably here to stay."

(Seriously. I will cut you.)

"Man. It's like one day I walked in, and all of a sudden you just looked huge."

"Do you have stretch marks yet?"

"Hey, preggo. You want to have a quick meeting?"

(I just want people to call me by my name, because getting pregnant did not require a name change. I am not anyone else's mom, or momma, or preggo.)

Her: "Oh, you're using a midwife? You know, I just read an article about a baby who died during a water birth."
Me: "I'm not having a water birth. I'm having a hospital birth, but my midwife will deliver the baby unless I have a complication."
Her: "Oh. You'll want those pain meds."
Me: "Yeah, I can have pain meds if I want, too."
Her: "I thought you said you were using a midwife?"
Me: "I am. It's still a hospital birth. Nevermind..."

Her: "Here's a list of things they vaccinate your baby for once he's born. It's outrageous. Remember that you can refuse any of these."
Me: "Well, I talked to my doctor about it, and it seems okay to me..."
Her: "Oh, I'm sure your doctor pushed for them."
Me: "Well, she's actually a midwife. I really trust her."
Her: "Well, I guess it's up to you."
(OMG. YES. IT IS UP TO ME. ME AND MY HUSBAND.)

It Just Dawned on Me.

Having a kid is the bravest thing I've ever done. I'm here because my parents made a brave/stupid decision 30 years ago. And now I'm doing the same thing. I hope my son recognizes this someday.

Just You Wait/You Just Wait/Just Wait

Here’s a thing that annoys me about being around people who have kids: Every tantrum is an opportunity for veteran parents to tell childless people that their time will come, too. 

I mean, it’s true. My kid will throw tantrums and he’ll make messes, and it’ll probably really annoy me. But I really hope I’m not the kind of person who turns to a pregnant girl and says, “Just wait! This will be your life soon.” I’d prefer to be the kind of person who can tell expectant mothers and people who might want to have children one day that tantrums aren’t that common and that having a kid is a lot of fun.

“You just wait” also comes up in conversations about marriage, cloth diapering, working while mothering, and maintaining friendships. Mention that your girlfriends can’t wait for your baby to be born and a young mother is practically guaranteed to respond, “You just wait. It’ll be harder than you think.”

I think that’s probably true. It’ll be harder than I think to use cloth diapers. It’ll be harder than I think to keep up with my friends. It’ll be harder than I think to keep communicating well with my husband. Except sometimes I want to turn to these people and say, “You don’t know where I come from. My parents got more done before 10 a.m., on Saturday than you managed to accomplish in an entire weekend. Hell, maybe a whole week. I started my own business and it was harder than I thought. I bought my own house and it was harder than I thought. I paid my student loans off in 7 years and it was harder than I thought. But honestly—it wasn’t that bad.”

But I’m more of a nod and smile type. I agree with people while thinking to myself that they obnoxious. I leave and remind myself for the 1000th time that we get to make our own schedule and traditions and have our own outlook on parenting. We get to be flexible when things go off course. We get to respond to the frustrations of parenting however we choose. 

I’ve been told by a few trusted friends that your baby doesn’t get to make all the rules. That having an infant is way easier than they had expected. That strapping a kid onto your body and heading out to a bonfire is possible. I’m going with their version. I’m going the blue collar route. I’m going to trust myself and my ability to keep Making Things Happen, which always surprises and delights me. Just you wait.

Turning 30.

Turning 30 with a baby in your belly is different than turning 30 and being able to do shots, or enjoy a really nice, extravagant meal, or hop on a plane to New York or Chicago and really do the thing right.

If I wasn't pregnant, I probably would have spent the weekend before my 30th birthday in Chicago. But, the thing is, I've gotta save that money for going to Chicago when the wine can flow and when walking around a city all day doesn't require a 2-hour afternoon nap. When I do things, I really do them.

All that to say, I wasn't really that excited about my 30th because there's not much celebrating that can be done unless you really want to put your baby's health in jeopardy. And that's not my thing. So I was surprised how perfect it felt to have an intimate bonfire with 10 people who just enjoyed each other's company. It was the best birthday I've had in years...maybe ever. A great night with friends, and then another night at home with my Dan. Loads of messages and gifts that I didn't expect. A vintage picnic basket, a new dress, a new hat, a handmade mug, a shed, cards in the mail, and about two dozen text messages.

I felt loved and I felt full. I drank tea and my baby kicked like crazy and I laughed really hard. It was a great signal of things to come.

Baby Names That Have Been Thrown Out and Shot Down

Van Howard
Vaughn Howard
Mick Howard
Mack Howard
Frodo Howard
Indiana Howard
Gabe Howard
Jack Howard
Daniel Howard, Jr.
Alan Howard
Luke Howard
Glenn Howard




This is going to be a long ride.