Unsolicited Parenting Advice

Once you get pregnant, lots of people tell you things about how you should raise your child. Sometimes your parents or your friends offer up words of wisdom, and other times strangers on a hiking trail tell you to enroll your kid in gymnastics. Here are some of my favorite pieces of advice (and by favorite, I mean most outrageous to my particular parenting philosophy):

• If you want your kids to be successful, enroll them in gymnastics. Gymnastics teaches kids discipline and the value of hard work. I have four kids--two of them are lawyers and two are doctors. Gymnastics really set them apart.

• Mealtime is a nightmare. [Name redacted] just won't eat. And you know what? That's okay. Save yourself a lot of trouble and just don't fight about mealtime. If your kid doesn't want to eat, don't make them. They will tell you when they are ready to eat.

• Let them know what you expect at a really young age. Start talking about college and the importance of grades when they are in kindergarten. That way, they'll know that a four-year degree is the only choice they have after college.

• Get on the list for good day cares immediately. When they're infants, it's fine for them to just be somewhere where they're allowed to play and socialize. But once they hit two years, development is really crucial. You want a daycare that functions more like a school.

• When they're little, you'll just be mad at your husband all the time. He's off working while you're at home feeling bored out of your mind with an infant. When he gets home, you'll be looking like a total slob, and you'll just want to call him an asshole every day. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Your feelings matter most at that stage, so call him an asshole if you feel like it.

• Make your husband get up for all the night feedings while you breastfeed. If you have to get up, he should have to get up, too.

• Try to avoid gluten, dairy, and peanuts while you're nursing. The baby eats what you eat, and you don't want to introduce those things to his or her body too soon. 

So far that's all I can remember, but many, many more things will come. The unsolicited advice never ends. And to be fair, I disagree with pretty much everything on this list. Except gymnastics. Gymnastics could be fun.