On Getting Back Your Body

The post-partum period is weird. So weird, in fact, that some people refer to it as your fourth trimester. The first 3 months of a baby's life are filled with non-stop feeding...for me, that meant non-stop nursing. Plus, sleep deprivation. Plus, adjusting to a new lifestyle. Plus, hormone changes that make no sense. Plus, a new body that isn't pregnant, but isn't yet back to its normal self. It's just kind of a roller coaster.

That said, I think I handled it well. It helped that Charlie was born early in the Springtime. In fact, when we left for the hospital, none of the trees on our street were in bloom. A few days later when we returned, all of the cherry blossoms were bursting. It was amazing. Having a good baby + having great weather meant that I could walk outside, get to coffee shops, sit outside, and do other things that made me feel like a normal person. Plus, I had friends who helped me get out of the house for an hour here or there to meet at the coffee shop or grab a quick drink. Or they just showed up to keep us company and hold the baby. Also, props to my husband for not being terrified of handling a newborn on his own. Also, props to my breast pump for getting milk out for the baby. Also, props to my baby for being willing to take a bottle and the boob. All of these things made it possible for me to feel as normal as possible during that transition.

ANYWAY. I am officially 3 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. In truth, I thought I would lose the weight much faster. I was in good shape when I got pregnant, and I started exercising just a few weeks after having the baby. It felt good and I felt good. But the weight held on for quite a while. In that time, I've realized a few things about my body:

1. I looked way better than I thought I did before I had a baby. Too bad I didn't enjoy it then.
2. I feel way better about my body now than I did before I had a baby. It's weird. I think I might just be growing up. But I really appreciate that I can walk and run and hike and see and smell. I am really impressed that I carried a baby for 10 months, birthed him, and then walked away 2 days later like nothing ever happened. I'm proud of this old bod.
3. America is ridiculous. I believe that in many ways, but I'm referring to the pressure our culture puts on women to look and dress a certain way.
4. Nashville is getting more image-conscious and I am getting less image-conscious. This feels good. A little subversive, but mostly it just feels natural. I'm at a coffee shop and all of the girls here look really good. Truly, they do. I am wearing Birkenstocks and shorts that are two sizes too big and a white t-shirt that probs has some breastmilk or puke on it. I do not feel self-conscious about this decision. A year ago I would have.

Although I'm doing well in the realm of body acceptance, I don't truly have my body back yet. Meaning, I'm breastfeeding, so my baby depends on my body and has access to my body 24/7. This is a hard and mysterious miracle to me. On one hand, I'm tired of feeding the baby. I'm also tired of being hooked up to a breast pump for 2 hours a day. On the other hand, I'm so amazed that this whole thing is designed in a way that I can literally grow, birth, and feed a baby--all on my own. He could actually be created from and survive off of my body for years. 10 months in utero and at least 2 years on the outside. In terms of sustenance, if Charlie only had access to me for his first 2 years of life, he would be healthy and thriving. In terms of emotional development, it's clear that he feels more comfortable with Daniel when he tries new things. This is interesting to me, and also awesome and beautiful.

On Having a 5-Month Old

OH my gosh. So, I have a baby. I was induced on 8 a.m., on March 24, and at 2:24 p.m., on March 25, little Banjo became Charles Alan Howard, the most beautiful baby in the world. Or in our world, at least.

Charlie. What a guy. He's generally a pretty good baby. So far, here is what I know about Charlie:

• Cow's milk makes him puke a lot.
• He'd rather be on the go than at home.
• He doesn't want to go to sleep if there's something better he could be doing--and there's always something better to be doing.
• He likes standing and sitting on his own. He's cuddly and sweet in my arms, but he seems to feel proud and excited when he's in a Bumbo seat, jumper, or walker. 
• Charlie wants to be outside. Like, all the time. 
• Even though Charlie hates to sleep, he's not very pleasant to be around if he hasn't slept. 
• He looks SO MUCH like Daniel. 
• He has blue eyes, which is not surprising, because my prophet brain dreamed it.
• He smiles a lot, especially when I sing Baby Charlie, Charlie Bear songs to him.

In Charlie's first 5 months on this green earth, he has experienced the following things:

• Visits to Atlanta, Columbiana, and Asheville.
• Hiking at Beaman Park.
• One million walks on the greenway.
• Lots of animals at the Nashville Zoo.
• Camping and hiking at Fall Creek Falls.
• Swimming at the YMCA pool.
• At least 1 art museum. 
• Many church services.

I don't really know how to explain what it's like to be a mother to my son. I can only say that on Friday night, I was home alone cleaning and watching a really bad Rom Com. Charlie went to bed around 7, per usual. Around 9, I found myself wandering into his room to watch him sleep. And then instinctively, I picked him up and held him and words just started pouring out of my mouth. "You are the very best thing. I didn't even know that I wanted you, and you're here, and now I know that I never really wanted anything else. I never say this, Charlie, hardly ever, but you are a gift from God. And I promise that I'll do my best to help you be kind, compassionate, and happy. Sometimes you'll probably hate me because I'm so inappropriate, and I know I'm going to swear at you someday. But you are always the very best thing."

And then all of a sudden I was like, "How did I get here? How is this even happening?" So I put him down and returned to my evening of cleaning. But, yeah, that about sums up life with a 5-month old. It is the very best thing.