The Dreams. Oh, the Dreams.

Crazy dreams are a pregnancy side effect I wasn’t aware of. Once I hit my second trimester, they started up. Every night it’s a new, intense story line.

In one, I left my life savings in cash in a diner by accident. In the journey to get it back, my brother found his friend being raped by Jeff Bridges’ son, so he crafted a bomb out of walnuts and string. His friend was Walter White’s daughter. It ended with Jeff Bridges and Walter White arguing about who was living a more adult life. Eric and I had to sneak out of the house because his walnut bomb caught a bedroom on fire.

A few nights ago, I dreamed that Daniel left me for a man. He was pretty nonchalant about it. Basically, he told me that he never enjoyed having doing it with me, but he just really wanted to make a marriage to a woman work. He thought maybe we could stay together as friends, but see other people. At one point, I asked him if he had slept with any men during our marriage. He said, “Of course. You should probably get tested.” I ended up with an apartment in Chicago, and he tried to sue me for part of the money I made selling the house. It was so realistic that I woke up in tears. 

In another dream, I had to break the news to Daniel’s ex-wife that we are expecting a baby. She was really nice about it, and then confessed to me that she has an eating disorder and asked what I thought she should do. I told her to get rid of all her clothes and start wearing sweatpants. I gently hinted that she should stop using cocaine. She told me she wished she could have a baby. I’m pretty sure none of this is rooted in truth.

Then there was the one where I was with all my good friends, about 12 of us, and we were trying to escape from some apocalyptic creatures. Maybe zombies, but we never saw them. We hid in my house for a while, and we were trying to get to a safer place. It was action-packed and intense. I woke up with a neck cramp from being so tense. 

Last night, I dreamed that I gunned down a really nice guy I went to college with. He was an assassin, and he was picking people off at a field party in Ohio. I laid next to a barn for a long time, waiting for him to feel secure, and then I shot him in the chest. It didn't kill him, though. He came after me, so I shot him in the leg.

There’s one, though, that might not be so crazy. It’s fall and our yard is really yellow. Lots of yellow leaves and flowers. I have a baby out there in a play pen, and I’m reading a book. Nothing significant happens, but I feel really happy. I know that after I put the baby to bed, a lot of people I love are coming to the house to hang out. And that’s it. I’m not sure if this is a hormonal dream. I’m hoping that it’s a premonition. 

Things I Like About Being Pregnant

1. Not having to feel that bad about gaining weight. 
2. Watching my body with wonder every morning as it completely transforms into that of an expectant mother. It happens subtly and then all at one time.
3. I’m not gonna lie: People are spoiling me.
4. Letting people do things for me, from cooking dinner, to cleaning the house, to painting the exterior trim.
5. Finally having an excuse to put down some real boundaries with people who exhaust me.
6. Reorganizing our entire house and purging tons of stuff that we don’t really need.
7. Really relishing in my last few months as a married couple with no kids. CALIFORNIACAMPINGTRIPWHATUP.
8. Talking to Daniel for hours about how we should handle politics, religion, body image, etc., with our kid.
9. Laughing at parenting books with my friends.
10. Feeling valid and strong as I take on tons of new work projects, even though my body is doing an incredible thing by growing a child. 
11. Feeling pretty darn hot. 
12. Healthiest hair of my life (thank you, prenatal vitamins)
13. Having a legitimate reason to wear stretch pants as often as possible.
14. Feeling touched when our friends get so excited about having a baby in the group. 
15. Asking my mom, like, 800 questions about babies. My fave so far: "So, you can just let a baby sleep in a nursery, right? Or does it have to be in our bed? The Internet said that sleeping in the nursery could result in SIDS.” She actually never responded to that email.
16. Needing my bestie to tell me what I need to register for because this adventure is complete uncharted territory for me. I really like the newness of it. Things were starting to get predictable.
17. Being surprised when I can run, do yoga, lift weights, or work in the yard. Seriously, women’s bodies are so bad ass.
18. Nesting. Which, for me, means looking up new rugs and baby mobiles for hours at a time. 
19. Giving in to cravings, like eating 2 apples a day and occasionally eating an entire personal pan pizza from Castrillos at 3 p.m. on a Friday. The pizza thing only happened once…so far. 
20. Eating Indian food for lunch on every pay day. Because I’m pregnant, and I deserve it. Speaking of which, someone come to Woodlands with me soon. Also, I get about 4 pay checks a month, so, I get to eat a lot of Indian food according to this rewards system.
21. Listening to my parents talk about things they’re going to do with/for their grandchild. So far: teach him/her the guitar and “spoil him (or her).” I’m not sure what the spoiling entails. Probs McDonald’s.
22. Having an excuse to let the dog on the furniture. Because “Banjo needs to cuddle.”
23. My skin looks pretty good. 
24. Making time to bake lots of breads and treats for the comfort that's in it. 
25. Y'all, I've been sleeping 8 hours a night. It's glorious.
26. I can nap like a bear at the drop of a hat. Any time. Day or night.
27. I'm so sassy all the time, and I'm getting away with it because "pregnancy sass".

More to come.

Offensive Things People Said to Me This Week:

Sadly, all of these things took place at work.

"You know, after your baby comes, it’ll be pretty rough. You’ll have all those hormones coursing through your body and you’ll get postpartum really bad. You might even regret ever having a baby. But eventually everything will even out and you’ll be happy again."

(In a meeting full of my colleagues)
Guy: Oh, man. Stand up, Megan.
Me: No. I don’t want to stand up.
Guy: Come on, stand up. We want to see you.
Me: Reluctantly stand up
Guy: You’ve really got a belly now!
Me: This is making me feel very uncomfortable.

Co-worker’s wife: How far along are you?
Me: About 18 weeks
Her: Have you started to get really constipated yet?
Me: No…

“So, are you ready to kiss your relationship with your husband goodbye?”

EFFFFFFFFF.

Things I've Done While Pregnant That You're Not Supposed to Do While Pregnant

Another list for me to look back on.

1. Googled "Am I having a miscarriage" every single day during the first 10 weeks of pregnancy. You will always think you are having a miscarriage if you google this.
2. Ate sushi about once a week for the first 18 weeks. Will probably continue this trend for the remainder of my pregnancy. 
3. Ate lots of lunch meat that was not heated up to 160 degrees. 
4. Did not exercise for 30 minutes a day, or practically ever, during the first 12 weeks. I was way too exhausted. 
5. Gained 6 pounds in my first trimester. Most women don't gain any weight during this period. I ate bread and crackers every day and it happened fast. 
6. Hiked to 8,000 feet elevation one day, and 9,000 feet elevation the next day during a vacation to California. 
7. Hot yoga a time or two. Or 5. 
8. Toasted with champagne at a wedding.
9. Ate a lot of soft cheese. 
10. Went trail running. 
11. Drank more than 8 ounces of coffee on two occasions. Actually, I'm kind of proud of this one, because that takes a lot of willpower every day!
12. Drank unpasteurized juice at a juice bar in my neighborhood.

Being pregnant in America is bizarre. In any other country in the world, no one would be so concerned about such things. The "threat of listeria" can't get me down. 

Life as a Woman Who Is 17 Weeks Pregnant

Here are things that are happening to me this week:

1. People keep telling me that I look great, which is nice, because I feel like a giant.
2. I no longer fit comfortably into Daniel's pajama pants.
3. I wore black leggings to work instead of pants one day.
4. I cried for a really long time for absolutely no reason last night.
5. I started to cry for absolutely no reason on the way to work this morning.
6. Last night I looked at Daniel and said, "I just can't get comfortable." And he asked why. And I answered, "Because I have these big old boobs now."
7. Made it to the gym and to yoga and on a few walks. I get out of breath more easily than I used to, but it feels really great to move.
8. Saw a preview for a movie about Stephen Hawking and cried.
9. At two giant pieces of apple pie in one sitting.
10. Ate lots of vegetables and fruits to make up for the pie.
11. Drank lots of lemon ginger tea.
12. Took 3 naps.
13. Continued to wage a battle against stretch marks using cocoa butter and coconut oil. So far, so good.
14. I still fit into my jeans, so I can't figure out how I've possibly gained so much weight. Again, I think it's going to my face. My face looks so fat.
15. Researched a million baby wrap things, trying to figure out how to wear my baby so I can still do things when I have a baby.
16. Had really weird dreams that I was yelling at my sister-in-law.
17. Made the best chicken pot pie that will ever be consumed. Secret ingredient: Whiskey.
18. Worked outside every single day because the weather is PERFECT.
19. Dreamed that I smoked a cigarette in front of my friends and they were furious with me for putting baby Banjo's health on the line. Apparently I still have secret nicotine cravings.
20. Interviewed for a real job because I'm losing my mind.
21. Started making plans to redecorate lots of things in our house because I am nesting now.
22. Started to look for baby registry items and only ended up looking at children's books. (Fail!)

Unsolicited Parenting Advice

Once you get pregnant, lots of people tell you things about how you should raise your child. Sometimes your parents or your friends offer up words of wisdom, and other times strangers on a hiking trail tell you to enroll your kid in gymnastics. Here are some of my favorite pieces of advice (and by favorite, I mean most outrageous to my particular parenting philosophy):

• If you want your kids to be successful, enroll them in gymnastics. Gymnastics teaches kids discipline and the value of hard work. I have four kids--two of them are lawyers and two are doctors. Gymnastics really set them apart.

• Mealtime is a nightmare. [Name redacted] just won't eat. And you know what? That's okay. Save yourself a lot of trouble and just don't fight about mealtime. If your kid doesn't want to eat, don't make them. They will tell you when they are ready to eat.

• Let them know what you expect at a really young age. Start talking about college and the importance of grades when they are in kindergarten. That way, they'll know that a four-year degree is the only choice they have after college.

• Get on the list for good day cares immediately. When they're infants, it's fine for them to just be somewhere where they're allowed to play and socialize. But once they hit two years, development is really crucial. You want a daycare that functions more like a school.

• When they're little, you'll just be mad at your husband all the time. He's off working while you're at home feeling bored out of your mind with an infant. When he gets home, you'll be looking like a total slob, and you'll just want to call him an asshole every day. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Your feelings matter most at that stage, so call him an asshole if you feel like it.

• Make your husband get up for all the night feedings while you breastfeed. If you have to get up, he should have to get up, too.

• Try to avoid gluten, dairy, and peanuts while you're nursing. The baby eats what you eat, and you don't want to introduce those things to his or her body too soon. 

So far that's all I can remember, but many, many more things will come. The unsolicited advice never ends. And to be fair, I disagree with pretty much everything on this list. Except gymnastics. Gymnastics could be fun. 

My Advice for Pregnant Ladies

I've had a few girlfriends tell me that I am their role model for how to be pregnant. This is hilarious to me, because I actually had to google "How many weeks pregnant am I?" the other day. Also, I've eaten more sushi since I got pregnant than I ate in the six previous months combined. I also eat lunch meat and I exercise and I've gotten really into bagels.

A lot of people would say that all of these things are taboo for women in my particular state. Except for bagels. But, really, bagels should be off-limits to everyone because they have no nutritional value.

Anyway. Here's my advice to pregnant women, and pretty much just all people in general:

1. You're not really eating for two. Track your calories, because you only actually need 300 extra calories to keep your baby healthy. Put away the nightly ice cream because it's not helpful to gain more than 35 pounds during a pregnancy.

2. Own your body. Everyone's body does amazing things every day. If you can walk, talk, and experience emotion, you should be in awe of yourself. Don't hate your body. When your pregnant, your ribs expand and your hips expand and you gain lots of weight. This is healthy. Own it. Do it well. Treat yourself with kindness.

3. Don't read all the rules. America is a strange place to be pregnant. We treat pregnancy like a sickness rather than a natural event. Yes, your immune system is a little compromised, so you should probably eat some oranges and get a flu shot. But if you start googling every food item before you eat it, you're going to go crazy.

4. Don't feel pressured by other people's decisions. I know people who abstained from coffee, tea, soda, and fried foods while pregnant. I know people who ate whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. I'm somewhere between that. But it never fails that I hear input that goes against my own personal beliefs about pregnancy. I try to ignore it, because as it turns out, I know more about my body than strangers do.

5. Keep that blood pressure down. This is self-explanatory. Take walks, eat your greens, don't eat so much salt. High blood pressure leads to lots of things, like premature birth, heart problems, kidney disease, diabetes. Nobody wants that.

I'm pretty sure following these rules sometimes makes me look like I'm really flippant about pregnancy, or like I take too many risks, but the bottom line is: Lunch meat isn't going to kill me. Exercise is only going to help me. And so far, my baby's heartbeat is strong and steady.

Frequently Asked Questions About My Baby and My Life

When will you find out the sex? November 11th. I'll be 20 something weeks pregnant at that point, and I will find out if little Banjo is a boy or a girl. Everyone we know thinks it's a boy. We have better girl names picked out.

Have you gained, like, a ton of weight? By my standards, yes, I have gained more than enough weight. By my doctor's standards, I'm right on track. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and I have gained 9 pounds. The odd thing is, all of my pants still fit, so I can't figure out where it's going. Maybe my face. My face does look fat.

Did you puke all the time your first trimester? No. I'm a pregnant woman who should be hated by most pregnant women. I was nauseous for about 4 weeks, but I only threw up once. It was amazing. I was eating a banana on the way to work, and I bit into a soft spot. Something about the texture hit me the wrong way, and I pulled over on 16th street in East Nashville and threw up out of my car door.

Are you tired? Not really. I was during my first trimester, but now I just feel normal. At 13 weeks I took a 5-day camping trip that involved three intense hikes. Sometimes I forget I'm pregnant.

Are you nervous about what it will be like to have a baby? This is a stupid question. The answer is yes.

You better get ready! The first few months are hell! So, this isn't a question, but it's a frequently made comment, and it's obnoxious for a few reasons. 1) Obviously a newborn comes with little sleep and lots of diapers. 2) Your hell doesn't have to be my hell. I think we need to rein in our language a little bit. Were you in a concentration camp the first few months of your baby's life? Were you going through an experimental cancer treatment? Was your baby extremely sick in the NICU? If the answer is no, then stop talking about this.

Just wait. Your marriage is going to suffer. Again, another comment. Your marriage might have suffered, and maybe mine will, too. But I know lots of couples who love having a baby together and feel that having a kid has given them a stronger bond. Plus, these people must not be married to Daniel Howard, the most patient and kind man in the world.

Will you go back to work? I will go back to work at least part time after 3 months. I'm going to try to swing working from home on nights and weekends from months 3 to 6. Then, we'll just let the Universe decide what needs to happen. With input from us, of course.

Does it make you nervous to exercise? No. I makes me nervous to not exercise because I want to be strong enough to push a baby out of me.

Do you even have room for a baby in your house? Yes. Yes, we do. In fact, people who live in one-room huts in Haiti have room for babies in their houses, too! Our house is small and it only has two bedrooms. But! We can put a baby in one of those bedrooms! As always, when you live in a small house, you have to limit how much stuff you buy. But rumor has it, you only actually need about 12 things to keep a baby alive, and two of those things are attached to my body.

Are you going to move to a county with better schools? No. At least not in the foreseeable future.

Do you think you'll send your kid to private school? No. Do people actually know how much that costs?

Do you plan to homeschool? No. Nobody in this household has patience for that.

Are you nervous about sending your kids to public school? Not really, since our kid won't be in public school for five years.

Will you get an epidural? Maybe? I don't know. I don't know what labor is like. My mom had two kids naturally, and my mother-in-law had three kids naturally. I have friends who had an epidural and friends who didn't. I plan to make a game-time decision, because, honestly, I can't make a decision about that before I know what I feel like in the moment.

So, did you want to have a baby? This is an offensive question. Yes, we wanted a baby. It was planned. And by planned, I mean that I decided I was ready to have a baby, and a few days later we conceived a child after the words, "No, we definitely have time to do it before the movie starts" were uttered by my husband.

More to come soon, I'm sure.

This Is for All the Unparents Out There

I never pictured myself as a mother. I have pictured myself living alone in big cities, curling up on a couch with a glass of wine and my love, living a small-town life back in Ohio, writing for a magazine in Chicago...all kinds of different lives. But never motherhood.

I'm not someone who really wants to hold your baby. I think kids are funny and fun and babies are cute, but mostly, I'm just interested in talking to adults about Real Things. I want to know about your religious beliefs and how they've hurt and helped you. I want to know how badly your parents screwed up your life. I want to know how difficult parenthood has been for you. I just don't really want to hold your baby.

At the same time, motherhood felt like something inevitable but always in the distant future until one day when I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor and staring at five positive pregnancy tests. It seems there was only a 3-day span from the moment we decided to have a baby until the moment we actually conceived one. I thought it would take longer. I thought when it happened, I'd be ready. I was wrong on both accounts.

But, slowly, something happened to me. I started lying awake at night begging God/Jesus/The Universe/The Powers That Be for a healthy baby, a smart toddler, a kind child. I thought about raising compassionate teenagers and the values that matter to me, that I want to matter to my children.

And suddenly, a deep and life-changing excitement started to take hold of me.

This is a good thing. But it's rocking my world. Who am I as a mother? How do I avoid becoming an anti-vaccinator, or one of those moms who is always testing her kid for food allergies? How do I train a child not to be a brat? What's going to happen to my relationships?

I have a lot of questions, and zero answers. Even the answers other mothers give me don't sound accurate to me...at least not for my personality and particular take on life.

I've started thinking of myself as an "unparent". Someone who is excited to raise a kid, but isn't doing her due diligence to find the right private school just yet. A woman who will probably put her child at the center of almost everything...but not her marriage. A wife who hands a baby off one night a week and says, "I need all the wine with my best friend now." I don't feel anxious and I don't feel scared. I feel like I have no idea what's next, and that has made pregnancy the greatest adventure of all.

Here's to unparenting and this little blog, where I'll keep a record of what's going on in my life.